Fresh off a pleasant weekend complete with family feasts, reconnections with old friends, and quality time with my sister (in the hospital of all places), Monday was an abrupt return to the lonely world of the executive. A client (let’s call him Patrick), a senior leader at his company, confided to me how terribly disconnected he feels at work. The old adage “it’s lonely at the top” could have been written for him. As just one example of what I’m talking about, Patrick had just presented his company’s strategic vision to the entire workforce, his likeness broadcast simultaneously to thousands of people in over 200 countries, and yet he said he felt oddly alone.
In my own leadership roles, I’ve experienced isolation as an integral part of the job. Consider: We leaders are privy to information we legally and ethically cannot share. In the role of boss, we conduct evaluations, give feedback, and make tough decisions (such as announcing layoffs) which directly affect our peers and friends. All of these responsibilities create a sometimes necessary division between leaders and the folks we lead. But that’s hardly all there is to it.
I’ve also personally found that a sense of belonging — participating in authentic, life-giving networks and relationships — is absolutely essential to balance out those necessary periods of isolation. Being connected with others doesn’t just feel good; it has a direct impact on my energy level, outlook on life, and leadership performance. In my years living and working amid a foreign culture, until I really felt that “I belong”, my sleep was restless, I was lethargic during the day, and I know I wasn’t functioning at my peak. Those are the same kind of symptoms I heard from Patrick. For me, I’d even say that belonging is just as important as keeping up with new trends in my field, eating well, and exercising (no small admission from a committed data, nutrition, and workout junkie).
Apparently I’m not alone [you knew that was coming, didn't you?!]. The National Heart Institute’s Framingham Study has theorized that our connections with others directly impact our health and happiness. Based on data from 15,000 people spanning three generations, the primary researchers Christakis and Fowler found:
the happiest people in Framingham were those who had the most connections, even if the relationships weren’t necessarily deep ones. …Happiness doesn’t come only from having deep, heart-to-heart talks. It also comes from having daily exposure to many small moments of contagious happiness.
Maybe that’s part of the key: cultivating belonging means tending to the small shoots as well as the big branches. If the global explosion of social networking sites is any indication, we have a universal need as human beings to connect, even if on seemingly minor and superficial levels. The question is “how?”
Different forms of connection work for different individuals: so it’s not as simple as huddling up everyone you see in the hallway. Building a sense of belonging (and it is important that you start building it rather than waiting for it to show up gift-wrapped on your desk) can be as simple as reaching out with calls or emails to meaningful contacts, or can be as involved as taking part in a service project to benefit others. For executives like Patrick who feel like an outsider but long to belong, here are a few ideas I can recommend:
- Take a few minutes to scan Jane Pauley’s inspiring interview with Philip Burguieres, the vice chairman of the NFL’s Houston Texans. Years ago, Burguieres’ clinical depression brought his ascendant career path screeching to a halt. He attributes much of his eventual recovery to forming human connections and creating a “health regimen that includes social support.”
- Read management author Peter Block’s terrific new book, Community: The Structure of Belonging. He writes about overcoming the isolation and anxiety felt in our modern lifestyles and becoming part of communities alive with energy and hope.
- Support or volunteer for a purpose-driven cause such as the Me to We movement which helps people find a renewed sense of connection through volunteer vacations, global leadership seminars, and community action.
Becoming a leader doesn’t eliminate the need to belong. Leaders who tend to this need personally are better equipped to build healthy organizations, healthy communities, and better-working societies. As singer Edie Brickell once harmonized: “I’m in the habit of being alone. I try hard to break it; I can’t on my own.”
Photo by mauspray
